


The Love Calculator

by justme (silver_spring)



Series: Shorties and Ficlets [3]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: #ficletfireworks, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cracky, F/M, Jaime is a little bored, and a little desperate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:20:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28458909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_spring/pseuds/justme
Summary: What to do when you need advice? Turn to the interwebs for it.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Series: Shorties and Ficlets [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2084244
Comments: 11
Kudos: 47





	The Love Calculator

**Author's Note:**

> This one I wrote ages ago after goofing off in a chatbox. A thought was born and from that thought this came.

Jaime was in a bit of a pickle. The annual company barbecue was tonight and even though his father and boss had made it clear that he was supposed to bring a date, he had none. Not only had he completely tried to repress the fact that his attendance was mandatory, he also just didn't know that many women he actually wanted to spend an evening with. With only about 5 hours until the first steak was going to be thrown onto one of the grills by his father in an insincere attempt of trying to show how Lannister Inc. was 'a family corporation' (and everyone knew it was only for show; after all, the same catering service took over seconds after the steak toss every year while his father retreated into a secured area for board members only), he was going to have to ask one he might not want to spend a prolonged amount of time with, though. But whom?

He decided to just ask the first one that came to mind and trust in the mind numbing powers of beer if it turned out to be a horrible night. Then, he figured that Tywin wouldn't appreciate his son getting drunk during a company party and canned that idea again. Drawing sticks was basically the same as picking the first one that came to mind and would again likely lead to inebriation and subsequent death glares and sermons from Daddy Dearest. Hmm. Jaime opened up his web browser and woogle.wes to find criteria for making the right decision. Science was the way to go about it, right? Numbers didn't lie. After a few clicks on links that led to women's magazines and more knowledge than he ever wanted to possess about 'ways to drive your man wild', Jaime came across one that called itself The Love Generator.

_Dr. Love will find out what the chances for you and your dream partner are! Just enter your names and let Dr. Love calculate if and how well a relationship between the two of you will work. Names have meaning and Dr. Love analyzes that meaning to make you find your One!_

He knew it was just a joke site and that it was completely bogus, but this way, at least he would be able to pin it on Dr. Love and not his own stupid decision making. Time was ticking, after all.

First, he entered the name of his old high school girlfriend. To test Dr. Love.

_48% - The chance of a relationship working out between Jaime Lannister and Lysa Tully is not very big, but a relationship is very well possible, if the two of you really want it to, and are prepared to make some sacrifices for it. You'll have to spend a lot of quality time together. You must be aware of the fact that this relationship might not work out at all, no matter how much time you invest in it._

He could've told Dr. Love that before calculating. Lysa had turned out to be a nutcase and while young Jaime had been willing to put up with a lot in the name of love (and in the name of potentially, eventually, maybe getting laid which---spoiler alert---didn't happen), coming home to a burning cardboard box full with memorabilia of their relationship because he "had smiled at some girl in school" had been too much. He'd decided that it was a good moment to break up; she had already dumped all the shit he'd given her on his doorstep after all. Once Lysa had figured it out though, she brought actual dog shit in a paper bag over to lit on fire, ring the doorbell and bolt. However, Tywin stocked up on security, paid for their housekeeper's new white sneakers and that had been the end of that. Last he'd heard was that her parents took her out of school for 'health reasons'.

So far, so good. Dr. Love had passed the initial test, but that could've been a fluke. Who next? Not really in the mood for more trips down the memory lane of his failed relationships, Jaime began entering random celebrity names.

_14% - Dr. Love thinks a relationship might work out between Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen, but the chance is very small. A successful relationship is possible, but you both have to work on it. Do not sit back and think that it will all work out fine, because it might not be working out the way you wanted it to. Spend as much time with each other as possible. Again, the chance of this relationship working out is very small, so even when you do work hard on it, it still might not work out._

Awwww...too bad for the stars of the latest teen movie franchise. Who would have thought that the king of emos and the sparkly party girl weren't a match made in heaven?  
Next, Jaime tried his brother's name together with the two things he loved most, according to his own statement.

_69% - Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between Tyrion Lannister and tits and wine has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other._

The fact that this particular menage a trois scored 69% made him snicker. It seemed, Dr. Love knew his shit. Time to truly test him or her.

_94% - Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between Tywin Lannister and The Devil has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc._

Accurate. Their relationship had been going strong since his father's birth after all.

But, enough of the preliminaries or the past and present. There was a decision to be made. Jaime refreshed the page yet another time, put his own name into the bar again and began to combine it with every woman of his acquaintance that he knew to be single.

His secretary Pia and him got to a lousy 37% and Hildy from the front desk didn't score much better with 47%. Perhaps those scores could've been improved, had he known their family names, but he wasn't going to call them and ask about it. Encouragement was the last thing those two ladies needed. Poor Lollys Stokeworth only got to 19%. Margaery Tyrell from the financial department scored a promising 84%, but just as he was about to compose an email to her, Jaime remembered that she had been recently engaged which of course disqualified her. A few lukewarm results in the 40-60% margin later, Jaime had almost run out of women. He guessed he could always ask his sister to accompany him, but he was not going to enter her name in Dr. Love's calculator together, ever. Instead, he typed in the name of the girl in the IT department, the one that had saved his laptop a few times from almost getting thrown across the room. The one that had almost thrown him across the room when he'd made a few comments about the band on the ratty old t-shirt she'd worn on one occasion (and he stood by his opinion: Rainbow Guard was a lame, lame combo, they only did these stupid soft rock ballads for crying out loud!).

Well, this was a surprise.

_95% - Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between Jaime Lannister and Brienne Tarth has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc._

Damn, that even beat Tywin and the devil and those two were a match made in heaven. Or hell, as it were.

Brienne Tarth...he didn't really know all that much about her. She was even taller than him, knew a lot about laptops that refused to cooperate, she listened to crap music and she blushed whenever someone looked at her for longer than approximately 1.7 seconds. Hmm. That could be fun, trying to find out how many shades of red he could make her turn in one night. And it absolutely beat having to ask his sister and then having to try and keep her wine intake below what a newborn weighed. Definitely worth a try and those 95% were definitely intriguing. The missing 5% were probably her record collection or something.

Opening his email account, Jaime scrolled through the contacts until he found b_tarth@IT.lannInc.net. Then he closed it again and pushed his chair back instead. Time for a trip to the IT department. When he decided to be charming, it was much harder to say no to him in person.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
